[The following is a verbatim copy of a speech given by a top Republican strategist at a secret policy meeting of key Republican leaders, in and out of government. The meeting was held deep in a redwood forest, at a secret enclave. While rumors of human sacrifice cannot be confirmed, it is true that a young redwood tree was felled to cheers and dancing, and a spotted owl was sliced open and its internal organs read by a practicing necromancer.]
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to this refresher session on the principles of our great Republican party. I hope you’re all enjoying the hospitality of our hosts, and the really delicious food. Wasn’t that Polar Bear Flambé delicious? (Standing ovation and rousing cheers.) And the Baked Alaska? Wonderful. (More cheers.)
Alright, settle down folks, settle down. It’s time to get down to business. We’ve called this little gathering because it’s apparent that there’s been some slippage in the practice of putting our sacred Republican principles into action, and our enemies have taken advantage of our negligence in order to further their own nefarious ends. You all know who I’m talking about. (Boos and hisses.) That’s right, that’s right, you know who. That’s what I’m talking about.
Now then, our first principle states “I BELIEVE the strength of our nation lies with the individual and that each person’s dignity, freedom, ability and responsibility must be honored.”
Now then, notice that word there, responsibility. We want to honor responsibility, right? Of course. What we’re saying there is that everyone is responsible for their own dignity, freedom, and ability. We’re not responsible for other people. We’re not reponsible for their problems. We’re not required to help every little person who’s behaved irresponsibly. The individual is completely responsible for everything that happens to him. Republicanism firmly supports the principle of individual responsibility. If Joe Lunchbox gets flooded out of his home, well, he shouldn’t have bought a house near the coast or the river, should he? And by the way, for those of you who have expensive houses on the shore, we’ve arranged for the government to pay you to rebuild should anything untoward happen.
Our next great principle states, “I BELIEVE free enterprise and encouraging individual initiative have brought this nation opportunity, economic growth and prosperity.”
Of course it has. The man who builds a business from the ground up is the hero in our America, and he should absolutely get all the praise and perks. He’s entitled to the wealth that he alone creates. It’s absolutely wrong for anyone to try and take that from him, especially with sneaky, extralegal devices like minimum wages and social security and health benefits for ungrateful workers and unemployment insurance and workers compensation. And unions. (Boos and hisses, foot stomping) Owners are the ones who do the real work of building America. Owners are the only ones who express the real America. They make it possible for the less fortunate to make a few bucks and pay taxes to live in this great country. Here’s to the owners! (Cheers and whistles.)
Now here’s a really important idea. It’s how we’ve made America great. “I BELIEVE in equal rights, equal justice and equal opportunity for all, regardless of race, creed, sex, age or disability.”
Of course we all believe these things, don’t we? These ideals apply to Republicans of all races (chuckles from the crowd), creeds, sexes, ages, and disabilities. Just remember, as regards creeds, only Christians have creeds. And since Republicans are completely responsible for themselves, no Republican can possibly have a disability that might require assistance from government. Hell’s bells, you don’t see anyone here in a wheelchair, or using crutches, do you? (Cheers) Damn right, people! We Republicans staqnd on our own two feet. (Wild applause) And talk about equality, why, just look at the wives here. They’re good Republican wives. Now that’s equality!
And never let it be said that Republicans don’t understand money, because “I BELIEVE government must practice fiscal responsibility and allow individuals to keep more of the money they earn.”
We think it’s only fair that the people that make the money, you know, the haves and the have mores, who have done the really hard work of building this country, should get to keep their money. We can pay for the wars we start and the perks we want by borrowing from around the world, and since we’re magnanimously doing it for the lower classes, they should carry the burden of paying it back. After all, we’re giving them a free and democratic country, and they owe us for that. We make the money and we’re responsible for the money. Now that’s fiscal responsibility.
This next one is really important, so pay attention. “I BELIEVE the proper role of government is to provide for the people only those critical functions that cannot be performed by individuals or private organizations, and that the best government is that which governs least.”
Since we haven’t been able to get the government off the people’s back by getting rid of social security and the minimum wage and welfare and all the rest of the Stalinist programs, we’ve gone ahead with programs to remove money from government and thus starve those programs out of existence. One is called Iraq, the other is called tax cuts. It’s perhaps a little unfortunate that some of the lower classes will experience some food insecurity and money insecurity, but it’s all for the best, the best being us of course. (Rousing cheers, wild applause) And by turning things over to private companies, which we own, we kill a couple of birds with one stone. Now you’ve all heard a lot of whining from places like New Orleans about the failure of government after that little hurricane. (Boos, hisses) Those people don’t realize what a favor we’ve done them by making them solve those problems on their own. As they come to see that government isn’t competent to interfere in purely local matters, they’ll come to thank us, and the Republican party will be enriched by them.
Pay attention now, because this is really important. “I BELIEVE the most effective, responsible and responsive government is government closest to the people.”
Well, of course it is. And who is closer to the people than Republicans, who really understand money and the getting of money. Isn’t that what the people want? Of course they want to be ruled by those of us who understand money. Money makes the world go ‘round, right folks? (Cheers, foot stomping, applause) And since Republicans got more of it, we make the world go ‘round. So stay close to your money, folks, it’s the most important thing you can do.
Now some bedrock thinking, folks. Cotton on to this. “I BELIEVE Americans must retain the principles that have made us strong while developing new and innovative ideas to meet the challenges of changing times.”
We’re talking about the power of positive greed. Greed is not a bad thing. It built America. We know what’s best for America and the world, because Republicans made it work here in America. Look at us! We’re wealthy and powerful and we don’t have to take crap from anybody. When someone criticizes you about the Kyoto agreement, you have only to tell them that America didn’t get to be a beacon of power in the world by letting other countries tell us what to do. And for that matter, these whining scientists, they’re all from left-wing schools and institutions. They have an agenda, and it’s not about keeping America strong and powerful and, well, just plain scary. That’s how we keep our enemies in line. Why, that Obama character that attacked New York, you can bet he’s hiding over there in whatever that country is he’s hiding in because he’s scared of us. That’s right! We’re big and strong and we will prevail, and those little people know it. Republicans know that the best innovations are the things that have always worked – that’s why we’ve got the biggest military in the world.
We’re almost at the end, folks, and this one brings tears to my old eyes. “I BELIEVE Americans value and should preserve our national strength and pride while working to extend peace, freedom and human rights throughout the world.”
We have only to look to Iraq to see the full success of our policy of enforcing peace, freedom, and human rights. What better example of Republicanism at work? Of course those weenies on the other side, you know who I mean (Boos, whistles, hisses), they don’t have any stomach for the tough decisions. But we know that this America doesn’t kill innocent people, America doesn’t torture people, that’s just vicious propaganda and lies. We’re the good guys, and maybe people don’t like Americans so much, but by God they respect us and they fear us, so when we say we’re bringing democracy to the dark places of the world, they welcome us with open arms, don’t they? (Cheers)
Well, that’s all, folks. Remember these principles. Remember how great this Republican party is, and how good we’ve been for the country and the world. One last note. I want to thank all these little brown people who’ve been serving our food and drinks and taking care of our needs these few days. Don’t they look snazzy in their little white uniforms? How about a round of applause? (Mild applause, sound of conversation increasing, chairs scraping back.)
Everybody remember now, you can deduct this gathering from your income taxes. See you next year!